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Tom Segura | I wish I was home right now. -Um… - No offense. Not personal. That is literally my first thought whenever I walk into any room. I’m like, “Well, I wish I was home right now.” -Uh… I think it’s your thought too. I think you’re like, “I hope this is good,” but also, “Wrap this shit up so I can go home.” I actually thin... |
Tom Segura | But we, as a nation, we have been traumatized by these horrific laws and people being imprisoned for having weed. And it highlights the absurdity of not only it having been illegal, and so crazy for so many years, but also, highlights how the next generation will not believe our stories about it at all. There’s a zero... |
Tom Segura | That’s crazy. And then he checks, rather aggressively, I would add. He goes, “You feel all right.” I go, “Okay.” Then he goes, “Hey, if you want a second opinion, -I could put another finger in there.” - So, I go… *laughs* “Get it out.” He goes, “Well, stop laughing. Every time you laugh, you’re clamping on me. I can’... |
Tom Segura | I was trying to figure out, like, where is power the most equal, you know? I think it’s a parking lot. Just hear me out. It doesn’t matter what you drive. If you drive something, that parking space is yours. And when you are ready to leave, and other people are looking for a place to park… -Oh. - Don’t you love that mo... |
Tom Segura | You want to know how crazy that company is? I told that story in New York City at a show. And the next day, a Nike executive got my cell phone number, and called me and goes, “I was at your show last night. And I think it’s very rude that you’re telling that story.” And I go, “Pfft. I think it’s rude that you didn’t gi... |
Tom Segura | Here’s another bit of information. I also don’t want to look at them. I don’t. I refuse to watch the Michael J. Fox show because I don’t want to see shaky face not stand still for one frame. The guy can’t eat soup. It’s depressing, okay? Try to pawn this thing off as a comedy? Get the fuck out of here. You’re bumming ... |
Tom Segura | Oh, my God. I do think about death. I just want it to be justified, you know? Like, if I die violently, you know, maybe I have, like, Serena Williams sitting on my face, and… I don’t know, Venus is polishing me off, and they’re trying to fit a racket in my ass or something like that. Then my wife comes in, boom, and I’... |
Tom Segura | I realized today that I need a hobby, because my workday just started, like, now. Right now. I mean, here’s the thing, it’s not even that big a part of my day. So even if it doesn’t go well, it’s like, ah, you know, still a pretty good fucking day. Like, it was… wasn’t a bad day. It just… you know, that part at work th... |
Tom Segura | Can we just all agree on one thi… can we just fucking get onboard with the fact that it is time to see an end to the man who walks around in public with a cowboy hat on, like he’s not wearing a cowboy hat in public? I see these guys everywhere. Banks, grocery stores, airports. And now, not only do I see guys wearing co... |
Tom Segura | So I’m super frustrated. I tried to do the right thing, right? I forget about the wallet. A year goes by. A year, a calendar year. I go back to D.C. I go in town, I call a friend, we go to a restaurant, just a random restaurant. We sit down, and the waiter comes up to take our order, and I go, “Justin?” And he goes, “h... |
George Carlin | I love words. I thank you for hearing my words.
I want to tell you something about words that I think is important.
They’re my work, they’re my play, they’re my passion.
Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid, y’know like, woo woo woo woo, POP! Then we assign a word to a thought and w... |
George Carlin | Now this next thing is about names, that’s all, names. Names are an interest of mine, not a hobby, hobbies cost money, interests are free. This is just about names. Did you ever notice how they name Singles Bars? Singles Bars all have the same cutsy little one-word names that end in ‘s’. Scamps, Tramps, Chaps, Rumours,... |
George Carlin | What we have now is a completely neurotic population obsessed with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs… there’s another thing… germs. Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media, constantly running stories about all the latest... |
George Carlin | When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there... |
George Carlin | Humans do some really interesting things. Like besides killing ourselves, we also kill each other. Murder. And we’re the only ones who do that, by the way. We’re the only species on earth that deliberately kills members of our own species for personal gain or pleasure, sometimes it’s just fun. We’re also the only speci... |
George Carlin | Now something else a lot of you are aware of. Those of you with illegal cable hook-ups will be aware of the fact that one of the things I like to do on my show is complain you know. It’s kind of a motif for me complaining. And of course. This weird culture we live in leaves you no shortage of things to complain about. ... |
George Carlin | I’m a fan of Westerns. I don’t like just any Western though; I like the ones that involve Indians. I like the Indian movies because they’re predictable. You know what the big scene is going to be, right? It’s going to be the attack the Indians Finally make on the cowboys. You wait for it to happen for an hour and a hal... |
George Carlin | I assume, is still safe to drink in New York huh? Actually, I gotta be fair with you; I’m only setting you up a little bit. It’s just… it’s not a trick question but it’s just a set-up cause I don’t really care about the water, to tell you the truth, I just love to hear the answer to that question. I ask that question e... |
George Carlin | Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life... |
George Carlin | Now a lot of these company names and product names are influenced by marketing and advertising people and this next thing is about advertising. By the way, if you should have any cognitive dissonance about the fact that I do commercials for 10-10-220 and still attack advertising up here, well, you’re just gonna have to... |
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A very small sampling of snippets of comedy routines by George Carlin and Tom Segura.
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